Because Nipples Are Circles, Obviously

Peyton, Ella, and I read together every night.

Dream World:

I tell my sweet, well-behaved children to go pick out a story. They each choose an age appropriate book and calmly bring them over to me.

Peyton says, "You can read Ella's first, if she wants."

And then Ella says, "Oh, that's all right, older brother, we can read yours first. We read mine first last night, and we should be fair."

Reality Check:

I tell my whackamo kids to go pick out a story. It's like the Running of the Bulls down the hallway. They choose their books as fast as humanly possible and race back to me. There's a lot of screeching and shoving of books at me. "Mine first!" "NOOOO! I got here first!" "No! Mommmmy! I go first!" "MOMMMMMMMY!"

Dream World:

We cuddle and read and discuss character traits and plot twists.

Reality Check:

We're in the middle of reading a "Cars" book.

Ella declares, "Peyton! You have nipples and me have boobies!"

I tell her that they both have nipples. I don't even bother with the boobies part. Because, really, is this going to be some kind of great teachable moment? It's doubtful.

Ella points out a circle in the book and yells, "Nipple!"

Peyton finds a circle and yells, "Boobie!"

And then my kids must have smoked some kid-crack when I wasn't looking because they start to have that wacky kid high. You know the one - when kids are so struck with the sillies they are almost hysterical with the laughter and the squealing.

I try to keep reading but it's a "Cars" book so there are a lot of car tires. Which means there are a lot of circles. Which means that Ella and Peyton begin a frenzied rush to point out all the circles as they shriek "Nipple! Boobie! Nipple! Boobie! NIPPLE! NIPPLE! BOOBIE!"

And then it turns into a song, "Nipple! Nipple! NIPPA NIPPA NIIIIIIIPLE!"

So, ummm, yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't miss out on that teachable moment opportunity.

Wait a second! They totally practiced identifying circles.

Sha-Bam! Even though I didn't help or encourage them. And even though they are 3 and 5 years old and have known for quite some time how to identify a circle. It totally counts. I am the BEST PARENT EVER.

Dream World:

Story time is over. My children get into their beds and THEY STAY THERE. And then I go into each room and we talk about the best parts and worst parts of our day and we give hugs and kisses and we say goodnight. And my children continue to STAY in their respective bedrooms. And there is peace and quiet in the house.

Reality Check:

"Okay, great! You are both very strange. It's why I like you. Go get in your beds."

They get into their beds and from the living room it sounds like they're playing Marco Polo:

Kid One: "NIPPLE!"

Kid Two: "BOOBIE!"

Kid One: "Oh look! There's a BOOBIE!"

Kid Two: "BOOBIE! NIPPLE! BOOBIE!"

And then one kid or the other appears randomly in the hallway to yell "NIPPLE! BOOBIE!" in my general direction before racing back to bed.

Dream World:

You are totally jealous of my perfectly-executed bedtime reading routine.

Reality Check:

I pour myself a much-deserved glass of red wine. Or three. While I watch "Weeds." Because Nancy is a terrible parent and she deals drugs. I judge my parenting skills by comparison. And that means I AM AWESOME.

Because IT IS NOT A Dry Heat.

Yesterday it was really, really hot. Do you know what the heat index is? Because when I lived in California, I didn't know. The heat index is used when it's really freakin' hot and really freakin' humid and they need a whole separate scale to tell you that if you go outside you will probably spontaneously combust. It's like this: Yesterday it was 94 degrees, but with the humidity it felt like 200,000 (really 109) degrees.

At one point I went into the garage to put a trash bag into the big garbage can. The garage is attached to our house. The big garbage can is about 15 feet away from the house door. About halfway there I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be able to make it back. It was just too hot and I didn't bring any water. And then I started thinking about what Bear Grylls would do. And then I started thinking about how good looking he is. And then I started thinking about how he would probably put a urine-soaked shirt on his head. And since I wasn't going to do that, my tombstone would read:

She Should Have Taken Water With Her On That Reckless Trek To The Garbage Can.

Amazingly, I did make it back into the house. I know! I count myself lucky. I should totally be on one of those survivor shows. "Woman puts trash bag in garbage during Iowa heat wave. And LIVES to tell about it!" And I could totally reenact it for the dramatization portion. It would be AWESOME! And then I would go on speaking engagements and then somehow I would get to meet Oprah.

Anyway! Whatever! I'm trying to live a dream here, people! A couple hours later the sky looked like this:

And then about a half hour later it looked like this:

And then James and I were standing in our backyard and we watched as the clouds started to swirl above our heads. Do you see the swirl in the middle of the pictures?

We actually saw three of those large swirls above us. I was halfway convinced that three tornadoes were about to land on us. James was excited because he got to say, "WE HAVE ROTATION! WE HAVE ROTATION!" about one hundred times as he videotaped it. And I was excited because I got to make fun of him. And then the wind was rushing around us in every direction and I don't like it when my hair blows around so I went inside.

And then the sky looked like this:

And then it started to rain. The important part of this story being that when it started to rain and the sky turned black with clouds the temperature dropped to 75 degrees and I was happy.

The End.

Progression of Joke Telling

Peyton made up a new joke the other day. And it got me thinking about how my little boy's humor has changed as he's grown.

Remember the "Diarrhea" song in "Parenthood" as the family is driving home?

"As you're sliding into first and you feel a little burst - Diarrhea! Diarrhea!" and the kids are absolutely cracking up as they sing it. Remember that? Yep. My son is at that age.

Here was his best joke when he was 3 years old:

He would stop whatever he was doing, walk over to me and yell-whisper, "PEANUT BUTTER!"

And then he would crack up. So innocent and sweet.

Then he turned 4 years old and started to get the basic idea of what a joke really was:

Peyton: "What's a tree and an elephant like?"

Me: "What?"

Peyton: "A TRUNK!"

And then he would crack up. Sure, he was telling the joke the wrong way, but he understood the basic principle.

And since he understood the basic principle of joke telling, he was able to put his own spin on it:

Peyton: "Mommy, what's an iPhone?"

Me: "I don't know, what is it?"

Peyton: "A phone with POOP on it!"

And then he would crack up. Here is when I realized that EVERYTHING is funny with poop on it.

And this is the new joke he told the other day, he's 5 years old:

Peyton: "Daddy, can you marry a pig?"

James: "No."

Peyton: "Because they don't have VAGINAS!"

Oh My Dear Lord, you have never heard a kid laugh so hard. And I know that this joke is just weird on so many levels, so I try not to think about it. But this is when I realized that EVERYTHING is funny with private parts attached.

Awesome. What could possibly come next in the land of boy jokes?

Fancying Up the Playroom

I wanted to make my kids' new playroom wall a little extra fancy. I could have rehung the wire rack we were using to store crayons and markers and such, but unfinished wood was 40% off at Hobby Lobby and YOU KNOW I LOVE A SALE! So I bought 3 of these cube shelves:

First I painted the edges with 3 or 4 coats of Americana Raw Umber to make them extra dark.

I bought a few pieces of brown polka-dot scrapbook paper so that all three pieces would have a unifying look on the outside.

On the inside I used some of the leftover paper from my fancy wall.

I stuck it all on with 3 coats of Mod Podge and used a brayer to get out all the air bubbles. I love my brayer. Supposedly you should be able to use your fingers to get the paper all smooth, and I would love to be all: "Look at me, playing in the Mod Podge with my hands. I'm all organic and one with the Mod Podge." In real life I think a brayer works much better.

When the Mod Podge was dry I wet-sanded it a little to make the finish extra smooth.

Then I hung those suckers up and placed all my Target dollar-section buckets in them. And, of course, my Kermit mug doesn't need an explanation. He's Kermit the freakin' Frog yo!

Total Cost for the 3 Storage Cubes: about $16.00

Since the unfinished wood was on sale, I also picked up this peg rack.

I painted it with 3 coats of the same Raw Umber paint that I used on my cube shelves. Then I Mod Podged on some punch-outs of leftover paper from my fancy wall. When it was done I massacred the peg rack by attaching it to the wall with 2 inch screws. I tried all sorts of frame-type hanging devices to hang it from the back, but I could never get it flat against the wall. So in the end I just pushed the screws all the way through the wood from the front and then covered the heads with paint. Total Cost: About $3.00

The last thing I did was to fancy up this much loved, hideous table:

It's a great little table, but we've had it for years and it's been used a lot. I went to the fabric store and got a little bit of that pleather-type stuff. I don't know the name of it, but it's like tablecloth material, so I didn't need to hem the edges. Because I don't sew. I measured the table before I went and got just enough to cover plus a couple inches for the sides. Of course, I waited until it was on sale, so I think it only cost me about $3.00. Then I used spray adhesive to stick it on. Even though it's still a plastic table, I like that it matches the color scheme of the wall.

So there you go, some basic coordinating wall storage and a newish-looking table for less than $25. Sweet!

My $13 Paper-Covered Wall

I spent $13 to make this paper-covered wall. No joke! It's amazing what a pad of scrapbook paper and some glue dots can do.

Our basement is mostly unfinished, meaning it has cement floors and exposed brick walls. The one basement room that is finished is one big rectangular area. We use it as a craft room / workout room / kids' playroom. Until I win my dream $10,000 Pottery Barn Kids Makeover, I'm doing what I can as inexpensively as I can to make it pretty.

I bought a stack of the premium type 12 x 12 scrapbook paper. I chose the Vibrant Treated Paper Pad because it's super colorful - perfect for my kids' play area. And you can't tell from the pictures, but some of the sheets are embossed and some have some sparkly elements.

I refuse to buy anything full price at Hobby Lobby since they usually have 40% off coupons and tons of weekly specials. It's a matter of principal/obsession for me at this point. Anyway, 90 page stack of paper - $19.00 on sale for $10.00. Glue dots - $4.49 on sale for $2.25.

Disclaimer: I know for sure that those glue dots are going to be a complete pain to take off the wall later. I'm choosing to live recklessly in the now.

So I figured out how many sheets I needed up and across to cover the wall. Since the paper is 12 x 12, it was pretty easy to figure out. When I was doing the math, I noticed that I did have a few vertical inches left, so I left 2 inches at the top and bottom of the wall bare. I could have cut some of the paper to make it fit, but I really wanted perfect 12 inch squares, so I just left a little bit of the wall blank. I would suggest that if you do a wall like this you do an entire row across and an entire row down before you do anything else. Just to make sure they fit the way you want. After that you can go for it!

Here's what the playroom looked like before:

3 hours and 2 margaritas later it looked like this:

Well, it kind of looked like that. There might possibly have been some rehanging and staging and picking up of a zillion toys before this picture. And maybe it's because it was dang cheap to make, but that wall just makes me happy.