Monday, June 29, 2009

Because Nipples Are Circles, Obviously

Peyton, Ella, and I read together every night.

Dream World:
I tell my sweet, well-behaved children to go pick out a story. They each choose an age appropriate book and calmly bring them over to me.
Peyton says, "You can read Ella's first, if she wants."
And then Ella says, "Oh, that's all right, older brother, we can read yours first. We read mine first last night, and we should be fair."

Reality Check:
I tell my whackamo kids to go pick out a story. It's like the Running of the Bulls down the hallway. They choose their books as fast as humanly possible and race back to me. There's a lot of screeching and shoving of books at me. "Mine first!" "NOOOO! I got here first!" "No! Mommmmy! I go first!" "MOMMMMMMMY!"

Dream World:
We cuddle and read and discuss character traits and plot twists.

Reality Check:
We're in the middle of reading a "Cars" book.
Ella declares, "Peyton! You have nipples and me have boobies!"

I tell her that they both have nipples. I don't even bother with the boobies part. Because, really, is this going to be some kind of great teachable moment? It's doubtful.

Ella points out a circle in the book and yells, "Nipple!"
Peyton finds a circle and yells, "Boobie!"

And then my kids must have smoked some kid-crack when I wasn't looking because they start to have that wacky kid high. You know the one - when kids are so struck with the sillies they are almost hysterical with the laughter and the squealing.

I try to keep reading but it's a "Cars" book so there are a lot of car tires. Which means there are a lot of circles. Which means that Ella and Peyton begin a frenzied rush to point out all the circles as they shriek "Nipple! Boobie! Nipple! Boobie! NIPPLE! NIPPLE! BOOBIE!"

And then it turns into a song, "Nipple! Nipple! NIPPA NIPPA NIIIIIIIPLE!"
So, ummm, yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't miss out on that teachable moment opportunity.
Wait a second! They totally practiced identifying circles.
Sha-Bam! Even though I didn't help or encourage them. And even though they are 3 and 5 years old and have known for quite some time how to identify a circle. It totally counts. I am the BEST PARENT EVER.

Dream World:
Story time is over. My children get into their beds and THEY STAY THERE. And then I go into each room and we talk about the best parts and worst parts of our day and we give hugs and kisses and we say goodnight. And my children continue to STAY in their respective bedrooms. And there is peace and quiet in the house.

Reality Check:
"Okay, great! You are both very strange. It's why I like you. Go get in your beds."
They get into their beds and from the living room it sounds like they're playing Marco Polo:
Kid One: "NIPPLE!"
Kid Two: "BOOBIE!"
Kid One: "Oh look! There's a BOOBIE!"
And then one kid or the other appears randomly in the hallway to yell "NIPPLE! BOOBIE!" in my general direction before racing back to bed.

Dream World:
You are totally jealous of my perfectly-executed bedtime reading routine.

Reality Check:
I pour myself a much-deserved glass of red wine. Or three. While I watch "Weeds." Because Nancy is a terrible parent and she deals drugs. I judge my parenting skills by comparison. And that means I AM AWESOME.


klawellin said...

A Fan of Simply J Crochet...
Come check out the Simply J Crochet Giveaway at

Thanks! ; )

nancy said...

Hilarious! What a great story. Make sure the future daughter- and son-in-law hear it!

Mommafo said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! :) You are much more tolerant than I am. I would have shut the book and sent them to bed. :P

Lori said...

O.M.G. is all I can say!


I love it!

Felicia said...

LOL!!!!! This is hilarious!!!! I remember in school when kids would say stuff.. cough it say it.. you know? LOL!

Sarah at The Ohana Mama said...

This was hilarious! I see this in my near future with my little girl and my little boy..too funny!

Anonymous said...

I understand as I have a 5 & 3 yr old who tell me "penis" . 3 yr old said to me the other day mummy got a penis? Well I remnded her that only boys do but thanks for bringing it up.

Mrs.Smith said...

It's not every day I laugh so hard I cry. This was awesome. Thanks for sharing!!!


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