Tuesday, September 1, 2009

At Which Point I Decided...

I would not be going outside for any reason, no matter what, for the rest of the day.

I'm sure the Bug People are all, "What a beautiful specimen of blah blah blah." / "Ichneumon Wasps are parasitic on other insects, so they are good to have in the garden blah blah blah."

I mean, C'MON! There is no reason for an insect like this to exist.

And I'm not the only one. Check out what THE Charles Darwin said: "I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have designedly created the Ichneumonidae with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of Caterpillars, or that a cat should play with mice."

My translation: They are just NOT RIGHT.

And I know you are totally impressed that I have Darwin to back me up on this one. Take THAT Bug Lovers! DARWIN! MY SIDE!

And Bug People, don't even TRY to fool me with, "That's not a stinger, it's an ovipositor. It's how the female lays the eggs." BECAUSE I KNOW! I KNOW THE TRUTH! It's not only a stinger, it most definitely expands to wrap itself around my neck before it sticks me REPEATEDLY with the end. IN THE NECK. And then for dessert it goes for my eyeballs. And then I die. And I'm dead. Thanks, Iowa. And thank you, Nature. You are both jackasses.

Dear Iowa,
Your bugs suck.
Without love,

What's that? You really want to see Just One More picture at a slightly different angle? Here you go:

Dear Bug,
You're stupid. And you're dumb. Really, really lame. So lame that I'm making the L sign on my forehead even though I haven't done that since, um, ever. That's how lame you are. La-AME. And now I present this last one in song, "
No love here,

I could try to reassure you, internet friend who totally understands me, by maybe saying that this wasp on my sliding glass door was really, really, really small and I used a super-power zoom lens. BUT IT WASN'T and I DIDN'T. The thing was like 4 inches long. I'M NOT JOKING. Sweet dreams.

Dear Fireflies,
I still love you. You are the coolest bug EVER!


Ali Richardson said...

COME HOME, COME HOME, COME HOME!!!!! Seriously, things like that only exist in h-e-double hockey sticks. COME HOME!!!! I'll take june bugs and garden spiders.....and wildfires....and earthquakes over that evil specimen any day of the week. COME HOME!!!!

Solstice Mama said...

These have been all over our yard. We were under the impression they were a relative of the dragon fly and we ignored them. Scary!!! I would like to go back to my ignorant assumption now. :)

Suz said...

Hi! You don't know me, but your posts always make me laugh! Today I am snarfing.

Danielle said...

You don't know me either. Can't even remember now how I found your blog but I always get a great laugh reading your posts.

That bug makes me very glad for the bugs we have here in Texas. And to think we are entertaining the idea of moving up your way. Maybe we will reconsider. :)

sarasophia said...

Just found you through your follow on my website.....and

I hate your bug.

I, in fact, hate all bugs.
(saving for butterflies, fireflies, and the odd cricket that doesn't decide to jump on me)

And I never ever wanted to see a picture of such a ferocious, eye-ball eating specimen.
I will never ever be persuaded to visit Iowa.

But I love your blog.
<3 Sara

Carrie said...

That's just....wrong!

Liz said...

I'm with you on this one. I hate bugs and don't care much for hearing about their "usefulness." Nope, it's a bug and it's going to sting me or my kids. I hate it.

Elise said...

Hello, you have the most fabulously wonderful site here and I had to leave this comment for you ! Your posts are beautifully written, creative and original too, and you have interesting pictures.

It's all perfect !

Thank you for sharing your site and best wishes.... 'Happy September'....

momawake said...

You are so funny! Now as a homeschooling mom, I'd first freak out, then I'd say, "oh cool, get the camera."

As for Darwin, he could have been wrong about God creating such a thing. All sorts of yucky things happened after Eve ate that fruit. Nothing was "good" anymore.

Rachelle said...

Have you heard of the people who sleep with tape over their mouths, etc., so that bugs and spiders are not inhaled??? This makes me consider that routine.

earthexpressions said...

Oh my Goodness!! That's horrible!! Please, kill them all :(

Paws To Admire said...

This post really, REALLY made me laugh. I am with you all the way!! I HATE.. no, I LOATHE and DETEST all bugs!!! In fact, I don't like anything that has more than 4 legs!! That is one fugly disgusting bug and I, too, see no reason why their existence is needed???? BTW - my absolute WORST bug is the spider. I get the heejie beejies just typing that word. :::goosebumps::: YUCKKKK!!! I have been known to scream bloody murder at the top of my lungs just SEEING one in the distance. And if it moves? Especially towards me? Oh, it's not a pretty sight.

Carla said...

HOLY moly! There is just NOT enough Raid (or any other bug spray for that matter) for that....creature! I am itchy thinking about it. Darcy, as always, you cracke me up. I should learn not to drink my coffee when I read your blog, because I am always in danger of spitting it out from laughing too hard.

Holly said...

Eww what an ugly bug! I think its funny the woman in Texas said she won't be moving to Iowa! But Texas has the most venomous spiders out of any other state in the US! And that is a wopping 10! 10 poisonous spiders for texas!! no im not a bug freak i HATE bugs thats why i like to know what bugs are where and how to keep them away from me!


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