Spider Eulogy

When I was little, my brother, cousin, and I would visit my Grandpa. He lived in the high desert and always had a small insect population living in his house. Whenever we would find a spider, pincher bug, or other harmless bug, my Grandpa wouldn't even bother getting out of his chair. "Oh, that? That's my friend, Charlie (or Frank or Herbert)." We thought he was hilarious. A bug for a friend? Silly Grandpa! Eventually we would persuade him to get rid of it, but really, I don't think he minded sharing his home with a few bugs.

I'm a little different. I have a general Insect Rule: Bugs can live outside. If they come inside, they're going to have to die. It's not my fault bugs make bad decisions.

When my insect-rights activist husband is around, he makes every attempt to carry the stupid thing outside so it can live. When he's not around, I go straight to the nearest magazine, shoe, or paper towel to extinguish its stupid little life. I hate bugs. I understand that we need them for the balance of blah, blah, blah.... If you come into my house, sorry Charlie, you have to die. 

So when my kids see a spider, usually in the basement playroom, they call me to "Get it! Get it! Get it!" Right before I kill a spider, we respectfully say "Good-bye, Spider!" And then, afterwards, my kids inevitably want to see the evidence. It's weird, right? "Let me see! Let me see! Let me see!" Really, why do you need to see dead spider guts? Just to make sure Mommy really killed it and she's not going to release it in your room later? Whatever helps you sleep at night, kid.

Anyway, this last time, Peyton decided to add  a little something extra to our "Good-bye, Spider" send-off.

Peyton: Good-bye Spider! Have fun with Baby Jesus! Mommy, are there toys in Heaven?

Me: Yes, everything you could possibly want is in Heaven.

Peyton: Have fun playing with the toys in Heaven, Spider!

I went ahead and let him believe that all bugs go to Heaven. Even though I'm pretty sure only butterflies are allowed up there, and ladybugs, and maybe dragonflies, but that's it.